Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Little Techie Marriage Humor

After seeing a humorous story on training husbands, at The Sisters Bourne Identity, I wanted to link to a cute story in their comments that I had found a while back. I was trying to refer Noelie to the site that I found it on. The link worked fine this morning, but now it is broken. This story is cute enough, that I thought I would like to post it on my own blog, so that it wouldn't get lost again. I would love to give credit to the author, but the author is unknown. Now it falls into the category of Internet Urban Legends.

This is a little bit techie in nature, so if you work with computers and software it will make perfect sense. However, (and I'm talking to you s'mee! :) The funny parts will still come through even though there is a little bit of that Charlie Brown adult talk here!) Even if you are not a technical person, there is enough good clean fun here that you will get the drift anyway.

(Author Unknown)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began to running a new procedure called Expectant Child Processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed spyware into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, and Bowling 2.5.

Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!


A Troubled User.


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnerships Faults (GPFs). You must assume ALL responsiblity for faults and problems that might occur, REGARDLESS of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\Apologize. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "esc" (escape) key, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 and Chocolates 8.0!


DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Good luck,

Tech Support

(Author Unknown)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower 3.2 and jewelry6.1 applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, diaper changing 5.2 will not work, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?



Dear Desperate,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPF’s]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.


Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files, which result in SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support


Woody said...

Boyfriend 5.0 was designed to run on Motorrunning chipsets, while Husband 1.0 runs on IntelNOT chips. Girlfriend 7.0 runs exclusively on SPARK boxes, while Wife 1.0 works best on the IntelNOT knockoff, PMS.

In the end they're all just a few ICs short of a motherboard.


The Ramblin Irishman said...

You guys and your jargon. Hey glad you visited my blog and welcome. I just finished glancing over your heritage and it was fascinating. Genealogy is a fascinating subject and I love it. When I get my brain working I will be asking you some technical questions like tigersue does, hope you won't mind. I, too, am LDS former temple worker for the LA and IF temples. Medical problems stopped me from doing more. Now I am in the Branch Pres. at the local jail and that is INTERESTING to say the least. Sad to see so many RM's and former members of leadership in there. Now I know why the church is suggesting team teaching in the younger classes.
Anyway, good to hear from you.

Panchappan said...

Your post is hysterical. I found some humor in the same vein at Check it out!