His Promises Are Sure

We went to the temple last night. It was for our ward’s regular monthly sealing assignment at the Jordan River Temple.

It was our first visit to the temple since Dawn Ann’s diagnosis of Breast Cancer. Perhaps our feelings and emotions were a little closer to the surface as a result.

During our sealing session, we were called to the altar first. Dawn Ann and I looked at each other across the altar, as we did for the first time nearly 16 years ago. As the ceremony, which binds a couple together for time, and for all eternity, was pronounced, tears came to Dawn Ann’s eyes. Just a few tears at first, then many more. The sealer handed us a box of Kleenexes so she could wipe her eyes.

As for me, I looked into those eyes, which I have loved for the last 16 years. She always looks so beautiful in white. I am so grateful for her. For the love she has brought to me. The children she has brought into this world. And all she does for us to provide a home for our family.

As I looked at the tears coming from her eyes, I thought I perceived what she might be feeling, and why the tears. Later, I confirmed with her that what I had perceived was correct. As Dawn Ann heard the blessings and promises of eternal marriage pronounced once again, she felt a peace and assurance from the Spirit of the Lord that no matter what happens in this life, the Lord's promises to us are sure. That she and I will be together eternally.

This was what brought tears to her eyes. The witness of the Spirit that despite the challenges we are currently facing, the diagnosis of breast cancer, that she can be assured that all will be well – no matter what happens.

My turn would come a few minutes later, as I was sitting next to the sealer, as one of the witnesses, Brother Leetham gave a few words of counsel between ordinances.

He counseled that the Lord wants each of us to return and enjoy eternal life with him. Brother Leetham counseled that the Lord will leave no stone unturned to make this happen. He paraphrased this scripture:

“ . . . For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” (D&C 84:88)

He then counseled that the blessings of eternal life will come through our faithfulness. Then he explained what that means.

Brother Leetham explained that our faithfulness doesn’t mean that we have to be perfect right here, and right now. What it does mean, however, is that we should continually try to become better people little by little. Not in huge spurts, not mile by mile, but inch by inch.

The goal should be to examine ourselves a few months from now, and to be able to see how we have become a little bit better than we were before. The comparison is always with ourselves over time, never comparing ourselves against others.

We should not be comparing ourselves with the bishop, stake president, or the Apostles. Besides, he said, we only see them when they are at their best. They are human too. We just don’t generally see them in their weak moments.

As brother Leetham spoke his words of counsel, I found tears coming to my own eyes this time. As he paraphrased the scripture, I felt that we do not have to face this breast cancer alone. That He will go before us, that He will be on our right side, and on our left, and that His angels will be round about us. He will be there for us. He will not desert us.

The words from the fourth verse of “I am a child of God” best describe my feelings:

I am a child of God.
His promises are sure;
Celestial glory shall be mine
If I can but endure.

(I Am A Child of God, Lyrics by Naomi W. Randall)

All will be well. We have placed our trust in him, and I know we can pass through this trial – no matter what.

-- His Promises are sure.

September 11th Remembered

In Memory of Those Who Died

There are certain dates in our collective consciousness that are indelible in our minds. It seems like each generation has a transcendent event that marks their generation:

• For my grandparents, it was October 29, 1929 -- The stock market crash -- followed by the great depression.
• For my parents it was December 7th, 1941 -- The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.
• For my generation it was November 22, 1963 – The assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
• More recently, September 11, 2001 is now seared into our collective minds – The day of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and Flight 93 in Pennsylvania. More than 3,000 people died that day.

Most people who were old enough to remember these events, can remember where they were, and what they were doing when they first heard the news. Isn’t it interesting that each of these events was a calamitous event of one sort or another. Events that seem to have the greatest collective impact upon us.

I remember that I was getting ready for work on that morning – September 11, 2001. As usual I was listening to the radio – Station KSL in Salt Lake City on that day – when I heard an initial report that a small plane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers, and that a couple of floors of the building were involved in fire. At first it was not understood that the airplane was really jet airliner.

I didn’t think much of it at first. Probably just an unfortunate case of pilot error. There would, sadly, be some casualties -- but surely nothing that they would not be able to get under control. I saw no reason to panic, or any immediate inkling that this would even become a terribly significant event.

Then the second tower was hit. This time it was plainly seen by all that it was an airliner, and not a small plane. It also became apparent that this was no accident – it was a deliberate attack.

At that point in time, I left the bathroom radio. I turned on the TV in our bedroom and tuned in to CNN. Everyone else was still asleep in the house. I usually don’t turn on the TV because I don’t want to disturb everyone else. However, on this day, I made an exception, as I explained the situation as I best understood it to my wife, who was just waking up.


As the TV came on, I saw an image both twin towers on fire. Then the unthinkable happened, the first tower collapsed. There was panic in the streets as people were fleeing from the scene of dust, debris, and death.

By this time, the rest of the family had gathered around the TV. A few minutes later, the other tower also collapsed.

My son, Bryan was 8 years old at the time. In his innocence, when he saw the building go down, he said: “COOL!” He had thought it was just another garden-variety building implosion that we have all seen on TV countless times before.

Of course, the difference this time, was that thousands of people were dying as those towers collapsed. I gently had to explain to him that this was not a planned demolition, and that people had been hurt when those buildings came down.

Numbly, I went into work that day. I have to admit that I didn’t get much done that day. Mostly I sat in stunned silence, as I listened to the radio coverage on KSL.

I remember listening to Doug Wright on KSL throughout the day. KSL had just begun carrying the newly syndicated Sean Hannity show the day before, on September 10th. I remember hearing Sean’s coverage from a New York City perspective. In addition to Doug Wright and Sean Hannity, KSL also carried audio from CNN and from local New York and Washington, DC TV and radio stations.

I remember the eerie quietness of the skies for the next three days, as all air traffic was ground to a halt.

My mother-in-law was undergoing hip replacement surgery at the University of Utah Medical Center, as the terrorist attacks took place. She went into surgery with our nation at peace, and came out of anesthesia to a nation at war.

Now, six years later, we can see how much our world has changed since the day of those attacks. We have been involved in war ever since. We likely will be for some time to come – regardless of what happens with our involvement in Iraq. If it is not Afghanistan, or Iraq, it will be somewhere else. Regrettably, I’m afraid that it will inevitably return to our own soil one day.

On this sixth anniversary, I wish to remember those who died that day. I also wish to remember the soldiers, sailors, and marines who have died, and been injured defending our freedoms ever since.

The Aurigid Meteor Shower

Photo of Aurigid Meteor shower by wisforworlddominatio on Flickr

This morning we got up at 3:00 AM. The occasion was the Aurigid Meteor shower. This photo was taken by member of Flickr. I didn't take any photos myself of this event. Meteor showers are best viewed with the naked eye, with as wide a field of vision as possible. If you are concentrating on looking through a camera viewfinder, or binoculars, you are not likely to see much of the festivities.

About a year ago, I read an article about this meteor shower. It does not often yield good viewing results. However, the placement of the earth's orbit, and the location of dust trail from the comet that left the space debris, matched up just right for what promised to be a spectacular meteor shower.

Last year, I dreamed of getting as far away from city lights as possible to view the meteor shower. I thought Monument Valley, in the extreme Southeast corner of Utah sounded good. There is a nice lodge down there called Gouldings. It would have been nice to stay there and view the meteor shower from there.

However, certain realities have come to bear. Financially, a trip like that just wasn't in the cards. We also had some other obligations that made it difficult to get away this weekend.

Instead, we drove up to the Snow Basin ski resort, just outside of Huntsville, Utah. When I was in the area last week, I noticed that it would be a good place for star gazing. It provided a particularly good view toward the Northeast, and was away from city lights - both requirements to see the Aurigids, as they are called.

We arrived at the viewing area at about 4:45 AM. We broke out the lawn chairs, and our jackets and blankets. I'm not sure what the elevation was, but I would guess that it was somewhere around 6-7000 feet. The temperature was somewhere in the 40's.

Almost immediately, we saw our first meteor. They were pretty constant. We probably saw about one per minute on average. We brought some bagels, yogurt, and juice with us to have an early breakfast as we watched the meteor shower.

The Peak of the meteor shower was supposed to be at 5:37 AM. Within a couple of minutes of the peak, we saw the most spectacular meteor. An exceptionally bright one was streaking across the sky, when it split into three parts. It was like nature's fireworks.

As it got closer to 6:00 AM it was starting to get light. We packed up our things, and continued on into the town of Huntsville, Utah. Just outside of Huntsville, there is a Trappist Monastery. We had never visited there before. We arrived at about 6:45 AM, and learned that there was a daily Mass conducted there at 6:30 AM each day. There were even a few cars in the parking lot, that we assumed belonged to worshipers. They have a gift shop there, and apparently they sell honey there. Bryan wanted some of the creamed, cinnamon honey. We would have too, except the store didn't open until 10:00 AM.

As we headed back to Huntsville, from the Monastery, I drove up to the place where I had parked my truck, just over a week ago, and called Dawn Ann to learn about the results of her biopsy. It was here that I first learned of her breast cancer. Huntsville will never be the same to me again. That spot, in some ways, has become a sacred spot to me. Perhaps that is how it is with places in which we have life-changing experiences. It is a place in which I came to realize how much more I need to depend on the Lord, for the life, health, and future of our family.

We retraced our steps from Huntsville, past Snow Basin Ski Resort and on home again. Both Bryan and Amy conked out in the back seat of the car. We listened to the KSL Outdoors radio show to keep away on the way home.

We arrived home at about 8:45 AM. We all promptly crashed and took naps until about noon. It was worth it though. The meteor shower was really fun. The time together invaluable. I hope the kids will always remember the time we got up at 3:00 IN THE MORNING! to view the meteor shower.

Since Dawn Ann's diagnosis, I have made a determination that I want to have a few fun family outings between now and the time of her surgery. It might be quite some time before Dawn Ann feels like getting out and about once the surgery has taken place.

I also want to make a point of us having a little time together for a day or two sometime before her surgery. Perhaps we'll celebrate our anniversary (October 18th) a little early this year!

DCIS - In Two Places

This week, my dear wife was diagnosed with DCIS or Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. This is a non-invasive form of breast cancer.

The good news is that this form of cancer is virtually 100% curable.

The bad news is that because the DCIS is in two places on the same breast, and quite a distance apart from one another -- treatment will require a mastectomy. At this point it does not look like chemotherapy, or radiation treatment will be necessary.

This is not a battle that we have chosen. However, it is now a reality in our lives, and will forever affect our and family.

I am 100% behind my wife in this. I will support her in any way I can to help her through this time of great challenge and need.

We do not know why this challenge is ours, but we place ourselves in God's hands, and will trust in his plan for us.

I have decided to start a new breast cancer blog, called: DCIS Husband.

Just in the few days that I have been involved in the breast cancer world, I have found minimal resources for husbands of breast cancer patients. In my own small way, I hope to perhaps be of benefit for other husbands who have and will go through this same experience.

It will also give me an emotional outlet as we journey through this experience together.

The Berlin Wall

I was able to see a portion of the Berlin Wall on a recent trip to Dallas, Texas. The hotel I was staying at, the Hilton Anatole, has a large collection of artworks and artifacts. This section of the Berlin Wall was a part of their collection.

I took a few minutes and thought about the significance of the Berlin Wall in 20th Century history. It was literally the dividing line between the communist East, and the democracies of the West.

Ronald Regan Delivering his "Tear Down This Wall"
speech at the Brandeburg Gate in Berlin.

June 12, 2007 was the 20th anniversary of President Ronald Reagan's famous "Tear Down This Wall" speech.

The key passages was this:

"General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

You can read the full text of the speech here.

But even better, through the magic of You Tube, you can watch an excerpt of this famous speech yourself:



Amazingly, that line was struck from the speech several times. The speech writer, Peter Robinson, had originally written the line. But whenever the speech was vetted with State Department, and National Security advisers, they kept striking this passage from the speech. They were afraid that this line was too provocative, and too bold.

Finally, President Reagan had to sit down with his advisers, and remind them that he was the president, and he would say whatever he wanted to say.

The Berlin Wall Being Torn Down

Well the rest, as they say, was history. Within 2 1/2 years, the wall really did come down. Within another year or so, the whole Soviet Empire collapsed, and freedom was restored to hundreds of millions of people who were formerly behind the Iron Curtain. And that Iron Curtain was most symbolized by the Berlin Wall.

All I can say is: I really miss The Gipper!

The Great Escape

Last Sunday, my wife and I gave talks at the Westridge Academy for Girls. This is next to the Westridge Academy for Boys (formerly known as the Utah Boys Ranch). Both schools are a residential treatment facility for troubled teens.

Here are a few excerpts from my talk that I would like to share:


I remember when I was in college, I found myself getting into some problems with my schoolwork. I was getting behind in my classes, and I was taking some classes for which I was not adequately prepared. The end of the semester was approaching, and the day of reckoning was night at hand.

I used to have a think spot up Provo Canyon, overlooking Deer Creek Reservoir. I would driver there when I needed some time to be alone, to think and ponder. As pressures began to mount, I decided to go to my usual think spot to try and sort things out. However when I got there, I just kept on driving. The next thing I knew, I found myself on Interstate 80 – headed for Denver.

Denver

I hadn’t planned for a long trip when I left. I didn’t bring anything with me -- no cash, no change of clothes, no food nor drinks, not even a toothbrush! I lived off of gas station hot dogs and soft drinks. (I did have my oil company credit card with me.)

At first my road trip seemed exciting. I drove all night long. I arrived in Denver and found a room to stay in – in what I later learned was a bad part of town. I went to a Hockey Game in Denver. It was minor league hockey back in those days, and the team from Salt Lake was in town playing the local Denver Team – The Salt Lake Golden Eagles vs the Denver Spurs.)

As I sat in that cheap motel room, I began to think again about my situation, and the difficulties from which I was trying to escape. Even though I had driven some 500 miles, my troubles just followed right along with me! I just couldn’t shake them!

Nowhere To Hide

I realized then and there that no matter how far I ran, my problems were still with me. You can’t run away from your troubles, and you can’t run away from the Lord -- no matter how far you go. You can’t run away from who you are. You are still a child of God no matter what. You are still accountable for your actions no matter where you go.

There is no place on earth that is so far away, but that the Lord knows you are there. He is always there, and he always knows where you are. No matter how far away you go, and no matter what you may have done – The Lord already knows all about you. There is no place we can hide.

God will always be our Father, and we will always be his children. There may be times in our lives when we turn away from him, and don’t acknowledge Him as God, and that He is Father. However, that does not change the fact that he exists, and that we are his children.

He will never turn away from us – even if we have turned away from Him. No matter how far we may think we are Him – He is always only a prayer away! He will always listen. He will always answer when we call upon Him.

I know in my life, that He has never given up on me – even when there were times when I may have given up on myself.

The Master Physician

Christ can lift our burdens. He can heal our wounded souls, and He can mend our broken hearts. He is the Master Physician.

I know that he lives. That He is the Son of God. And that he is the Savior of the World.

He knows you, and he knows your heart. He knows what troubles your soul, and he knows how to heal you.

He has touched my life. He has calmed soul, bound up my broken heart, and has given me peace, understanding, and hope of a glorious eternity – provided that I honor the covenants I have made with Him.

These blessings are available to all. Every soul is precious to the Lord. I know He can heal our hearts, if we will let Him in.

On Pins and Needles

It's been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened. A lot of Good has happened.

In my last post I mentioned that I had been feeling blue, and had been having a lot of doubts about myself. I even wondered if I might be suffering from depression. I think I have gotten over that hump. Some things have really changed for the better. Other things will be changing for the better in the near future. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't feel so helpless, or hopeless anymore.

In my last post, I mentioned that I was about to undergo an EMG test -- which tests nerve response. Let me say, now after having undergone this test, that if you are about to have this test, that you should be prepared to become a human pin cushion.

When I was escorted into the exam room, I got to dress up in one of those delightful hospital gowns.

Next thing I know, the doc comes into the office sharpening his needles like a chef wielding his knives at Benihana. He explained that these were very small needles -- only 26 gauge!

I'm here to tell you that 26 gauge or not, by the time you get poked more than 50 times by these needles, that they all feel like blunt pencils being shoved into you!

The doc was accompanied by a very nice, and very young, medical assistant. She was all of about 20 years old. Take nothing away from her, she did a very good job of working the very complicated diagnostic equipment. As it turns out, she was from the small town of Fredonia, Arizona -- and was very impressed that I actually knew where she was from. I told her of a trip our family took a few years ago to Kanab, Utah. We went through her home town on that trip to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.

The testing started out with a few "warm ups" for my nerves. The idea being that the test would better gauge my nerve responses if they were properly "warmed up" prior to the testing. The doc stuck a needle in my leg just below the knee, and another one in my ankle. Then they hooked a couple of alligator clips onto each needle and sent a "mild" electric shock through them. Next thing I knew, my leg was uncontrollably kicking. Then another set of needles were inserted above and below my ankle, and the electric shocks were sent through, and my ankle started flailing about like a fish out of water. Several other nerve groups were "warmed up" too. Now I was ready for the real test to begin. To be honest, I had had just about enough during the warm ups alone!

The needles for this test were always inserted in pairs. Every time a test was run, it had to complete a circuit. All the nerve groups from the lumbar area of my back down to my toes were tested. This included the rather indelicate testing of the nerves in my gluteal muscles. Let's just say that the medical assistant deserves to get combat pay. She had to see places where normally the sun doesn't shine -- we're talking the dark side of the moon here folks!

Another thing about the test. You not only have the pain from the prick of the needles, but when the electrical charges pass through, they have to turn up the current, until basically, it starts to hurt like heck. I always knew if he got a good reading or not, because if it didn't hurt, it didn't read.

As the test went on -- first up and down one leg, and then up and down the other -- we chit-chatted about various things. We (the doc and I) talked with the young medical assistant about her hometown of Fredonia, an how it is the gateway to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. As it turns out, her parents own cafe's in Fredonia and in Kanab. We continued gabbing on about various other things -- which helped to pass the time during the test -- AND helped me to keep my mind off how much pain I was experiencing.

At one point about half-way through the test, the doc asked me if I was enjoying myself. I had to answer with an honest, "No, not really." I think this poor doc is beginning to get a complex about not being very well liked by his patients. He looked rather resigned when I gave him my matter-of-fact answer. It is my understanding that this doc specializes in these kinds of diagnostic tests at the Spine Clinic. This doc has a really nice bedside manner -- for a guy who is constantly needling his patients all day long. (Pun intended!)

We kept on chatting through to the end of the test. Although I was in pain during the test, I tried to be as pleasant as possible throughout the procedure. I didn't yip, or spit, or curse, or anything! Near the end, the doc commented that I should be teaching a patient education class about proper decorum and behavior for an EMG test. I guess some folks really have some negative reactions to being poked, shocked, and jolted like that. I like to think that I proved to be a welcome respite for the doc and his assistant from patients who might have a very unpleasant reaction to this test.

The results of the test were kind of mixed. The good news was that I don't have any serious nerve damage coming from the nerve roots out of my lower back. He did find that I might benefit from a steroidal injection to the left side of my lumbar area. That surprized me a little, because I feel like I am having more trouble with my right side than with my left. Especially with my right leg going numb after being on it form more than about 15 minutes at a time.

This test also confirmed what I already knew to be true. I have peripheral neuropathy in both of my feet. Although my symptoms were consistent enough for a diagnosis of peripheral neuropathy, this was the first objective test that definitively proves that what I am suffering from is in fact neuropathy. This diagnosis also came with a bright side. He told me that the nerve "wires" were not damaged. The problem stems from the fact that the sheathing around the nerves has been damaged. This results in far too much input being received by the nerves, which results in the weird combination of numbness, tingling, a burning sensation, and pain.

Since the problem is with the sheathing, and not the actual nerve itself, that means that there is a chance (but no guarantee) that in time, the sheathing could re-generate, and this condition could diminish, or go away altogether one day. The time period for this potential regeneration will not be measured in weeks or months - but probably years. Maybe as much as 5 years.

It's now been about 1 full year since the onset of this condition, which was a result of a side effect from the drug Flagyl. Flagyl is a nasty drug, and is only used in extreme circumtances -- which I was in a year ago. I have since learned some really nice things about Flagyl. Here are some excerpts from a statement on Flagyl from the FDA:

WARNING
Metronidazole (Flagyl) has been shown to be carcinogenic
in mice and rats. (See PRECAUTIONS.)
Unnecessary use of the drug should be
avoided. Its use should be reserved for the conditions
described in the Indications and Usage
section below.

And then there is this regarding peripheral neuropathy:

ADVERSE REACTIONS
Two serious adverse reactions reported in patients
treated with Flagyl (metronidazole) have been convulsive
seizures and peripheral neuropathy, the
latter characterized mainly by numbness or paresthesia
of an extremity. Since persistent peripheral
neuropathy has been reported in some patients
receiving prolonged administration of Flagyl,
patients should be specifically warned about these
reactions and should be told to stop the drug and
report immediately to their physicians if any neurologic
symptoms occur.

I honestly don't remember if I received this warning or not about Flagyl. I did call my then Dr. at the time (no response from him for a couple of days). With no response from my Dr. I called the home health care pharmacist. I explained that I was having this constant pain and numbness in my feet, for about the last week, and I wanted to know if any of the medications I was taking might be causing this. He promptly looked it up, and said that Flagyl might have that effect. He told me to not take any more of it until he could consult with my Dr. Somehow, he was able to get through to my former Dr. (when mere a mere patient couldn't get through) and confirmed with him that I should stop taking this drug.

I don't harbor ill will for the Dr. Flagyl may very well be responsible, at least in part, for saving my life. It's true that I have since changed doctors, because I felt like he was too slow to act, and not aggressive enough when my health was headed for crisis. If I wanted to, I could point the finger of blame for getting me into that crisis in the first place, and blame him for the after effects that may hamper me for years to come, if not for the rest of my life.

For now, I rely on heavy doses of neurontin and and ibuprofen every day, just to keep my neuropathy controlled to the point that I can function.

So the EMG test confirmed what I already knew. Not that it really makes a difference. However I now have proof, if every anyone questions me, that I really do have peripheral neuropathy. It's not just in my head --- its in my feet!